I have always struggled with me. Not the kind of struggle that comes and goes based on events and circumstances, but that nagging and annoying feeling of never quite being good enough. It's a horrible feeling, exhausting and frustrating. Playing catch up with expectations, my own and others. Ya know that feeling of riding that merry go round and reaching out for that gold ring with every spin around and around and just not quite being able to wrap your fingers to grasp it?

Contests and well intended "starting overs" one day at a time mantras and 12 steps of this and praying harder and broken promises, failures and tears enough to create another ocean. No success. Lots of lessons learned, and no success. I should be an author on how to fail at diets.

Realizing I am a food addict really was a major discovery! An addict? to food? No way! I just like to eat it, no I love to eat it! I eat when I am happy or sad, warm or cold, large amounts of course only when I am alone :) and yes it brings me great comfort as I am eating that 3rd piece of pie piled high with icecream! An addict you say? Hmmm well yes its a temporary high as i indulge in large frequent quanities. It makes me forget, it helps me not feel. It would be a secret except for the people who everyday look at me and know...a fat body just tells my secret to everyone!

I am a food addict.....

and as it is with every addict who needs a bottem to begin the process of climbing out and up...mine has happened.

Another hospitalization with what I believed was a heart attack. Scared. Helpless. Annoyed and frustrated.....but fear was what was flowing thru my soul. I have all the risk factors. Diabetes. Morbid obesity. Smoking. High blood pressure. Family history.

I had 48 hours to lie in a hospital bed to think. No extra food to chase away the feelings and thots. No anything but tubes and needles and the constant beeping of machines.

And something happened. No clanging bells or bright lights. no promises to myself, no lists or plans or goals. Just a deep quiet voice within my soul that whispered to my heart.

It said "today is the day to take one step forward".

Food is my drug. Today my drug of choice is my enemy. It has robbed me of my sanity,overtaken my heart and my soul, my thoughts. Destroyed my life. Impacted the lives of the people I love with fear and pain and hurt. It is no longer my friend.

One step forward...today I choose life over fear.